Empowered Mental Health and Wellness

Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday. Yes, I am a cheesy rom-com lover who cries at every wedding I go to, however, that’s not why I love Valentine’s Day. I love it because it gives us the chance to love ourselves. It gives us the chance to find love in all of the little places in our lives, besides just romance. There are so many different forms of love, and all are important. However, I think that self-love is one of the most important, but also one of the hardest.

What does self-love currently look like for you? There is no right answer as we all feel fulfilled and recharged by different things. Keep in mind that very rarely will we ever fully love everything about ourselves, but that it is important that we ground into at least a few things. 

I first really want to emphasize the fact that it is ok to not be in love with everything about yourself. It’s ok to not even like anything about yourself. Obviously, we want that to be the goal (and I am 100% confident that there are good and likable things in all of you), however, it can feel like a lot of pressure to believe so, if you just are not in that place yet. And forcing the feelings won’t lead to anything productive either. In light of that, what if I instead proposed the idea of “neutral”?

What would it look like to not love or hate something about yourself? To instead just acknowledge the fact that it exists and not attach any feelings. Make it very matter of fact. Try to be aware of the negative thoughts your brain may be thinking about certain parts of you and gently correct them to be neutral. “I hate that my hair is this color” turns into “My hair is this color”. “I feel awkward about this part of my personality” turns into “This is me, and I am good enough”. “I wish I was farther along in my career” turns into “I am where I need to be in my career at this moment and I still have a future filled with growth”. You can adapt this idea to any part of your life that you may be struggling with – neutrality can feel more achievable than “love” or “like” while trying to improve our practice of self-love. 

On the topic of correcting negative thoughts – how do you talk to yourself? We are often so much meaner to ourselves than we ever would be to a friend. Why is that? To exemplify the fact that it’s not ok to treat ourselves worse than we would others, I have an activity for you.

Start by writing down every negative thought that you have had about yourself today. Once your list is complete, pick someone that you really love and value in your life. Next, call them up, go find them in your house, or contact them via some other form of communication. I want you to verbally tell them everything that you just wrote down. However, you are not going to tell them the point of the activity, you are just going to start the conversation and go ahead and start saying these things to them as if it was how you really felt about them. 

Now don’t actually go and do that; we aren’t trying to ruin relationships here. The panic or ick that you likely felt while just contemplating engaging in that activity is what we’re looking for. Why did it feel so gross to think about saying those things to someone else that you love? Why do you not feel that gross when thinking about saying those things to yourself? Rule of thumb: If you would not say something to someone you care about, don’t be saying it to yourself. If you ever need to check yourself – engage in this activity. 

(optional: actually do call someone that you care about to say these things but tell them the point of the activity. Even though they will know the premise, it typically still feels uncomfortable and really drives home the point of how mean it actually is to say those things to another human being, including yourself. I would frequently have clients engage in this (saying their negative thoughts about themselves but directed at me) and even though they knew that I understood that these things were not truly about me, they explained how hard it was to do and how it really brought attention to the fact that what they are saying about themselves really is mean given the way they felt saying it to another person.)

If while engaging in the previous activity you found room for improvement in your self-talk, try some of these ways to help start improving that dynamic. The way you think about yourself is really important to this as well. Did you know that you can actually train your brain to rewire into a different way of naturally thinking? This is why there is always hope with change and also why therapy can be so powerful – this is what multiple theoretical orientations aim to do. With this in mind, say hello to your new best friend, “neuroplasticity”.

“Neuroplasticity is the brain’s capacity to continue growing and evolving in response to life experiences. Plasticity is the capacity to be shaped, molded, or altered; neuroplasticity, then, is the ability for the brain to adapt or change over time, by creating new neurons and building new networks,” (Psychology Today, 2024). 

This applies to the way that we think about ourselves. For a lot of those who experience negative thought patterns, neuroplasticity is going to be a crucial aspect in helping alter the way your brain naturally operates. This applies to other thought patterns besides self-talk as well, but that is for another day. 

Oftentimes, the way that we naturally think about, or critique, ourselves stems from the narratives that our brain holds as a result of different life events that we have experienced. Think of things like reinforcement vs. bullying in social relationships, supportive vs. toxic societal messaging regarding the way you look and the things that interest you, and the nurturing or abandonment that you have experienced by various important people in your life. All of these experiences, and more, shape the narratives and world-views that our brains hold, which in turn can shape the ways that we think and feel about ourselves. 

Additionally, if certain experiences can cause something to happen in our brain, that also means that certain experiences can cause new things to happen in our brain. That’s where hope and neuroplasticity come in. To make these ideas more practical, I want to transport you to your favorite grocery store. 

Most of us have a grocery shopping route that is almost ingrained in us like muscle memory. I typically hit the produce first, go down the dried goods aisles next, head over to the proteins, and stop by the dairy and bakery sections last before making my way to the checkout. I do not intentionally plan this route out each time that I go to the grocery store, it just happens because I have been to the same grocery store so many times. This is a similar concept to how after a while, we do not have to think as intentionally about each specific task while driving. 

Now imagine that you went to the same grocery store the next time and they completely tore it apart and everything was under construction. You would feel pretty upside down while trying to find your items. You would likely have to correct yourself multiple times as, nope the dairy is not in the back-right of the store anymore, it is actually in the front-left now. 

However, after experiencing many shopping trips with this new layout and after consistently correcting your missteps while shopping, there will once again be a day where you enter the reconstructed version of this grocery store and it feels just as natural as the old one had. 

That is exactly how our brains work. The narratives that your brain currently holds are familiar, just like your favorite grocery store route. While the narratives might not always be positive or healthy, they are what you know and what we know will always hold a certain kind of comfort, whether it’s what’s best for us or not. Change, even for the better, requires us to step out of our comfort zone and that isn’t always appealing. However, that is exactly why we need “our grocery stores” to become under construction. So that we can get to a route/narrative that is both comfortable and healthier for us. 

The construction phase of the grocery store is equivalent to the moments when you are working on challenging your negative thoughts and behaviors toward yourselves. You are going to fall into your old ways of thinking every once in a while (especially at first) and are going to have to intentionally correct yourself when you make a misstep and talk to and treat yourself poorly.

However, with consistent practice of these healthier tasks during your “construction” phase, even with the missteps, you will get to the other side where your “new grocery route” of thinking feels much more natural, just as the previous negative one had. What would it be like to have your brain and body more naturally refer to itself with love and compassion instead of critique and hatred? There is only one way to find out. 

Below, I have some of my favorite ways to help dismantle negative thought patterns in effort to help train your brain to more naturally refer to itself in a positive manner. This will not always be comfortable or perfect, but the good news is that it does not have to be for it to be effective. 

• Write down positive things about yourself (it’s ok if you do not fully believe them, that’s what the construction phase is for!) on individual sticky notes and place them in your most commonly used spaces so that you will see them daily. A mirror where you get ready, your dash in your car, your desk at work, a wall in a room you frequent, in your planner, in your backpack or purse, etc.
  • Make sure to take time and read each note every single time you come across it.
  • The perk of this task is that it requires decently little time but that it can have a great impact.
• Take a picture of something that brought you joy each day. While this one does not specifically relate to the way that you talk to or think about yourself, it does ground into your brain’s ability to seek out the good in each day. This can easily translate into your brain being able to increase its ability to seek out the good in yourself as well.
  • Alternative options for this task could be to write down 1-3 positive things that happened to you in a journal each day or to spend 10 minutes each night reflecting on the good of your day.
• Each time a negative thought comes into your mind try 1 of these 2 activities:
  • Imagine a beach with beautiful white sand. Envision yourself writing down the negative thought in the sand and a gentle wave coming into shore, and erasing the message with it when it retreats back out to the sea. 
  • Picture a beautiful blue sky filled with individual white puffy clouds. On each cloud is written the negative thoughts that you are thinking about yourself. Gently wipe each cloud out of your sky until it is clear and blue once again. 
  • Repeat these tasks as many times as you need to for either the same or different thoughts. It is very important to remember that these tasks are not meant to work on just the first try and that you are not failing if they don’t. It is going to take time for thoughts that are so deeply ingrained in your brain to lose their power. Consistency over perfection is the main objective here and eventually, through consistency, the thoughts will more easily disappear. That is the key piece of neuroplasticity!

Lastly, do something kind for yourself this Valentine’s Day. Life is hard and you have been doing GREAT. Give yourself some extra attention to embrace that as well as everything else that we have discussed in this article. Self-love does not have to require a lot of money and can also be much more than just a face mask (although those are great too!).

Keep reading below to discover examples of acts of self-love for each budget and interest as well as to read the full Psychology Today article regarding neuroplasticity. Read even further to hear examples of what some of our reader’s favorite acts of self-care are!

I hope that this February can be a time of increased grace and appreciation for yourself and if you’re not fully there yet, that it can at least be your start. There is good in ALL of us, you just have to help yourself see it. 

XOXO,

KC

Self-Care Suggestions

• Physical
  • Get those endorphins (the feel-good neurotransmitters) moving by going for a walk or engaging in a workout. Physical movement is a great way to fill your brain with that feel-good sensation.
  • Get outside! Even if you are not being physically active outside, just being in nature and soaking up that vitamin D can have a positive impact on your mood and nervous system.
  • Get a pedicure, do a face mask, go to the spa, book a massage. Treating yourself to something indulgent that also takes care of your body and helps you relax can be a fun treat.
  • Make those doctor appointments that you have been putting off. Keeping up with the maintenance of our physical health is crucial to feeling energized both mentally and physically. We want to be here for a good time and a long time. 
• Mental
  • Do something that requires increased brain power – use it or lose it! It is very important that we keep our minds active and sharp, or you will very literally start to lose different strengths or capacities that you once held. Do a puzzle, play brain games, read a non-fiction book. 
  • Feel like you have been using too much brain power lately? Give your brain a break. With social media, phones, and the internet, we are always in constant access to others and information. This can be exhausting. Rest your brain by:
    • Turning off your phone for a day – people will be ok if it takes you a day or two to respond to their messages. This also limits any unwanted interruption from notifications that can come at any time and pull us away from what we were doing and/or those peaceful moments.
    • Delete social media apps off for your phone for a few days to recharge.
    • Make a cozy space for yourself and just rest.  No phone, no book, no tv, no conversation. Just be. As humans we rarely ever just let ourselves exist. 
  • Engage in fun and non-stressful activities for your brain. Think of it as a brain-cation. Read a fun fantasy book, watch a comfort movie, practice a hobby (I love to paint!), or try out a new museum.
• Emotional
  • Buy/use a journal to write down something that has been weighing heavy on your heart. It can be tiring to carry around such heavy things with us, similar to if we were to strap on a backpack full of cement bricks and try to go about our days. Take out some of those bricks from your backpack and release the things that have been holding you back (sharing with a trusted friend works great too!). Feel free to destroy the writing afterwards to symbolize a permanent release of the topic.
  • Reach out to those you care about and tell them what they mean to you, what you appreciate about them, or how much you love them. I love the added sincerity that a handwritten note or letter brings! It can be so heartwarming to both give and receive this kind of love, especially when it is unexpected and not forced.
  • Explore options to continue to help yourself heal from whatever you may be going through. Make that first therapy appointment, reconnect with your faith based-organization for support (or other community orgs), or research some self-help books and activities. 
• Social
  • Make an effort to schedule intentional time with those you care about. Life can be busy, so pre-planning and communicating the intentionality that you are providing to the relationships and plans can be reassuring. Being prioritized in someone’s calendar and being fit into someone’s calendar are two very different things. 
  • Step out of your comfort zone and try out the new community club or organization that you have been wanting to try. Are there any running clubs, crafting circles, book clubs, volunteer groups that peak your interest? A sense of community is an important protective factor for our mental health and well-beings. 
  • Cut out those that drain you. You are not entitled to give any more access to yourself than feels healthy or safe for you. Release yourself from the grasp of individuals that bring you down and set boundaries with those whom you do not want to cut out completely, but also don’t feel ok with the current dynamics of your relationship with. Boundaries and saying no are necessary forms of self-care.
  • Re-evaluate your social calendar. Do you feel stretched too thin with all that you have signed up for/agreed to? It is ok to admit this to others and to take a step back. Those that care about you will be happy that you are taking care of yourself and will also appreciate that you care enough about their event/task to recognize that you cannot support it in the ways that it deserves, thus leaving room for someone that can. 

Self-Care Favorites

Psychology Today Article

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/neuroplasticity