Empowered Mental Health and Wellness

I had started a new job and there was a woman who I really wanted to befriend. Starting a new job is vulnerable and she seemed fun, bright, and like someone that I could learn from. I had walked into her office one morning to catch up from the weekend and our conversation proceeded as normal. I shared how I had grabbed dinner with friends and she shared how she had done some intense workout routines. When she finished she went, “I’ll share them with you, you are trying to lose weight right?”. I in fact was not actively trying to lose weight and I quickly started to panic wondering what she thought of my body to give her the indication that that would be something that I would want to be doing. 

Somewhere in that same conversation she had also mentioned how my face was just “SO round, so I must be a cancer,”. I have had a round face with plush cheeks from birth, it’s just genetics. However, given her past comments, I felt a different intent. 

She must have noticed the sudden change in my demeanor as she back tracked and stumbled with something to the effect of, “Oh well, uh, just because you said that once, right, that you had been trying to lose weight and were working out?”. Yes, I was working out but no, it was not necessarily to lose weight. I was working out to be healthy and whatever changes to my weight that came with that were what they were. This was more than anything an attempt from her to dislodge the foot that she so effortlessly had shoved down her throat. 

I left her office feeling incredibly self conscious in my outfit and quickly queued up a google search of “celebrities with round faces” in some vain attempt to try and make myself feel better. This was one of my hardest lessons in learning to externalize hurtful comments from other people. Her comments felt oh so personal, but I came to understand that they really had much less to do with me than I had originally felt and thought. 

Throughout my time working with her I quickly came to understand how completely preoccupied she was with her own body. How much she greatly disliked her own appearance and had gone to drastic measures over the past few years to change her looks. Multiple times during our times working together she would show me pictures of her past self and ridicule the woman looking in the camera. She would admit to starving herself and numerous other questionable or obviously dangerous practices. She had so much self disdain that it overflowed from her and onto every bystander she encountered. 

Whether I had gone up or down a size or not was not what was prompting her comments. Due to her own personal relationship with her body and whatever circumstances that she experienced to bring her to that point, she could not imagine that other people could not think or feel the same. Could not imagine that someone could be x,y,z size and be happy and comfortable in their skin. So thus, if they fit those definitions, they must also want to take drastic action. 

I do not share this to gain pity or to claim that I have the healthiest relationship with my body in the world either. I share it to highlight how easily and often unknowingly we project our own world views and tortured parts of ourselves onto other people and that due to that, we must also be careful in how much we read into certain words and actions of others as well. 

The world is always going to try and get you down. It may be in the form of a sassy coworker, an overly vocal friend or family member, a not-thought-through social media post, or a million other different things. This is when we need to use our discernment and decide what we are going to give our energy and what we are going to practice externalizing. 

Externalize opinions that do not represent your truth – other’s opinions of you are not for you to carry. Opinions are also completely subjective and made up, sometimes on one small interaction that is not representative of you as a whole. Don’t accept criticism from people you would not accept advice from. 

Externalize unnecessarily harmful and hurtful comments. We all will need to be called out a time or two in our lives, however, we do not need to give breath to the careless and vicious callings that are bound to occur. These callings are meant to cause harm, not to be truthful, and harm can be caused through exaggeration (especially on a topic that the individual may know is sensitive to you). 

Instead, pay attention to the well meaning feedback given in respectful spaces. If someone is having a respectful but difficult conversation with you, there is likely an important reason as to why. Individuals will not endure uncomfortable situations and conversations if they do not feel it necessary or do not care deeply about the individual and relationship the conversation pertains to. We are creatures of comfort and self preservation. 

Externalize actions or conversations that you would not feel comfortable replicating to someone else. Use your judgment based on your values as to what feels ok and what does not. We all have different thresholds on what that may look like, but overall, we are fairly aware of lines that should not be crossed. On the opposite side of this coin, it is important to be open to the different methods others may take in communicating with you as well. Was it harmful or inconsiderate what they said or just different? Different does not necessarily mean bad and we cannot expect others to always bend to our world view.

Lastly, spend time building yourself up to help combat the data that you feel you need to externalize. Did someone make you question a career choice? Make a list of all of the things you enjoy about your career and how your current position benefits your life. Did someone make you feel insecure about your appearance? Find a mirror and with dry erase markers, write affirmations about yourself on the mirror so that you have to literally see yourself reflected in those truths daily. The more you can train your brain to focus on the truth of your situation, the easier it will be to externalize future strikes that may come. This is done through consistency and repetition of the positive tasks that are geared to build yourself up. 

We as humans need to take time to heal ourselves so that we don’t let that hurt spew onto others. When the spillage is unavoidable, take it with a grain of salt and try to pivot. Wish the person healing in whatever is hurting in them that made them think interacting these ways is acceptable and stand firm in your truth that their words are just that. Words. Words don’t change your truth. I leave you with a parable to emphasize this:

If I come to you and say wow, the sky is so beautiful, it’s looking extra green today, you would say, “Kilee, what do you mean the sky is looking extra green today? The sky is, and always has been, blue.” I may argue that my opinion is that the sky is green and that my experience has always been that the sky is green. However, you will always be right that the sky has always been blue. Me saying that it is green does not simply make it so. You are a blue sky and the words of others cannot make you green. 

XOXO,

KC

Build Yourself Up

One of my favorite ways to build myself up when I am feeling not like myself is to listen to a playlist that I curated of empowering and confidence boosting songs. Music is truly therapeutic and does wonders for your mentals. Check out a few of my favorite picks below!

• You Can’t Bring Me Down – Dierks Bentley
• Confident – Demi Lovato
• I Can Do It With a Broken Heart – Taylor Swift
• Pretty Girl Rock – Keri Hilson
• Beautiful People – Tim McGraw
• Bejeweled – Taylor Swift 
• Cloudy Day – Tones and I
• Dancing Queen – ABBA
• Femininomenon – Chappell Roan
• Fly – Maddie & Tae
• Get Along – Kenny Chesney
• thanK you aIMee – Taylor Swift
• Miss Independent – Ne-Yo
• Girl – Maren Morris
• Waking Up Dreaming – Shania Twain
• Good Life – OneRepublic
• Stand Still – Noah Cyrus
• Just Like Magic – Ariana Grande
• Nightmare – Halsey
• Shake It Off – Taylor Swift
• Yes, and? – Ariana Grande

How Do Others Build Themselves Up?