You yum yucker. I hope that I am not the only one that hears that in the same tone as that old Orbit commercial where the woman proclaims, “You lint liiicker,” emphasis on the “i” in licker. It may be silly but that is what, and how (for better or worse), I call myself out when I am unintentionally yucking someone’s yum or if I am mentally clocking that someone else is doing it too. “You yum yuuuuucker,” emphasis on the “u”.
A yum yucker is someone who yucks other people’s yum. Got it? No? Let’s break it down further. Picture yourself in a conference room at work and you are having an all-team update. You surpassed your quarterly benchmarks and also headed up this really great initiative.
Your boss slotted time for you in the meeting agenda to share your results and you are proud to communicate with your team what you’ve learned. You are about halfway through your update when a co-worker raises their hand. Eager to engage others in the exciting work that you are doing, you pause to let your colleague join in the conversation. They start to speak and out comes, “Well when I did something similar on my team last year, we did it this way and I think that just makes more sense than what you have shared,”. Your smile fades and your shoulders slump as your exciting accomplishments (yums) have just been effectively yucked.
Or maybe envision that you just bought your first house. You invite your family over to tour your new abode, ecstatic that you’ve just reached this major life milestone. It’s not perfect but it’s perfect for you. You love the charm and it’s the ideal size for your small family. Some more family has just arrived and you enthusiastically greet them at the door. One of them enters and goes, “This is all of it? Hhhmm I thought that it would have been a little bit bigger.” Yum. Yucked.
Other examples of yum yucking are complaining about something that you know someone else enjoys while in their presence, making unnecessary negative comments about something that is not your taste but is someone else’s, or consistently finding and vocalizing the negatives while in conversations and situations with others. Your life, your taste, your opinion, your interests are not the end all be all. Other people’s lives, taste’s, interests, and opinions are just as valid and your difference in ideas does not always have to be verbalized. Love and let live, love and let live.
Maybe the yum yucker in your life is someone that has to one-up every exciting piece of news you share, is someone that must make the conversation always highlight them and their life, or maybe is someone that just can never find something positive to say.
This is not to say that the intentions of all yum yuckers are malicious. Sometimes “one upping” is someone just as equally as proud of their news. Sometimes making the conversation highlight themselves is someone who is trying to connect with others and only knows how to do so with what they already know or have experienced. Or maybe the individual who always has something negative to say thinks they are being helpful by trying to point out potential stumbles that they hope for you to avoid.
And sometimes it’s none of these things and the yum yucker in your life is simply jealous, dependent on attention and external validation, or has some need for competition that fails to be satiated. Regardless of the intent of your yum yucker, the impact remains the same that these experiences dim an enthusiastic light inside of you. In a time when the world is dark enough, we should especially be celebrating moments of joy in ourselves and others, for these are the things that keep us going.
If you are someone who has a lot of yum yuckers in your life, try considering these things. What is their intent? Again, impact is more important than intent but I also believe that someone who has positive intent versus negative intent requires a more gracious understanding in how you move forward with them.
If their actions are consistent, hurtful, or are building up resentment inside of you, try communicating your feelings with this individual. Maybe their intent is positive and they do not realize what they are doing and a simple, healthy conversation can nip this pattern in the bud. It is important to remember, however, that even if their intent is positive, your feelings of hurt or frustration are still valid and are something that the other need to be accountable for.
If the individual’s intent is negative, still engage in healthy communication. Just because they go low does not mean that you have to. Share how their actions made you feel and set boundaries with them for how you will respond in the future if this continues. If the pattern does continue despite multiple attempts at healthy communication, it is ok to remove yourself from interactions when the yum yucking is occurring. Just make sure to be respectful but direct in your reasons why before doing so.
What if you are reading this and realize that you are the yum yucker? Don’t sweat, we all have been at times and acknowledgement is the first step in change. Similarly to the advice given to those who experience yum yuckers, start by reflecting on what your intent is behind engaging in these actions.
If it’s a positive intent, try exploring different and healthier ways to achieve your same goal that inadvertently initiated the yum yucking. If you are proud of an accomplishment that you want to share, try letting the other individual have their own time and space to share and set aside a separate time for you to do so for yours. You both deserve individual space to be celebrated!
If it is because you want to connect with others on topics that you know, try inserting more questions about their experience, before fully delving into yours. Your stories are meant to be told as well, it is just all about finding a better balance between the expression of both of your experiences.
If you are finding that you are trying to be helpful by pointing out potential pitfalls, try making sure that positive conversation on the topic has been had first. Compliment, encourage, and join in the excitement before moving to the if ands and buts. Maybe even wait until a later conversation to bring up any concerns that you may have so that the positive aspects are not taken away from. Also ask yourself if it is really a pitfall that is worth mentioning. Just because something evokes a negative reaction in us does not mean that we have to take action or speak on it.
Alternatively, but respectfully, if you find that your intent is negative in why you yuck other’s yums, a little more soul searching may be required. Oftentimes, our need to one up is stemmed in an internal insecurity about our own lives. Is there something that you wish was different in your life, that you feel shame about in your life, that you feel is lacking or that you have failed at, or you feel that you have been unfairly judged on?
If so, this can be a raw emotional spot that can easily be triggered when hearing about others accomplishing things when you feel that you are not. We have all been there, but I gently encourage you to seek out resources to help yourself heal these hurting parts of you. While doing so, remember that failure is a human experience, that there is no one correct timeline to life, that everyone has insecurities, and that you are doing your best.
Craving external validation can be rooted in similar insecurities as one-upping. You are feeling diminished or invisible in certain places so you want to make up for it in others. Anything that we earn, however, by taking it from others is not worth the temporary satisfaction that it may provide. Emphasis on the word “temporary” because engaging in these patterns is a fix that will soon wear off as it did not actually soothe the root problem. How can you help yourself feel fulfilled in more lasting and healthy ways?
Lastly, if you are intentionally trying to rain on someone’s parade by pointing out negatives, it would be worth reflecting on the saying “misery loves company”. When we are hurting, it can feel less lonely when others hurt with us, which means that sometimes you may be motivated to create the situations for others to join you. Similar to the saying, “If I can’t have it [happiness], nobody can,”. Hurt people, hurt people and while nobody deserves to be unhappy, it is important to find paths to happiness that empower both ourselves and others. It is not other people’s responsibility to make you happy, nor their fault that you currently are not.
Don’t be a yum yucker – be a supporter, be an empower, be a listener, be a celebrater, be an encourager. Put your yucking days behind you and go tell someone that you are proud of them. You will find that the connections that you have with others that are rooted in light and positivity are much better for your soul – and there is no doubt that we could all use a little bit more of that nowadays.
XOXO,
KC
Yum Not Yuck
The opposite of yucking is emphasizing the yums. Try out one of the suggestions from our readers on their favorite ways to the support the important people in their lives!
Empowered Mental Health and Wellness 