Empowered Mental Health and Wellness

Year in the Mirror: Reflecting on 2023

Here we are, at the end of another year. Maybe this was your best year yet. Maybe you’ve been counting down the days until you can put this year behind you. However 2023 ended up for you, I am thankful that you made it to the finish line. Be proud of yourself for getting through all of the ups and downs. You are stronger than you realize. 

The end of a year provides a nice stopping point to take a second and to take a breath. You did it. You made it through every single hard moment that 2023 threw at you. You may be worse for wear but you did it. Or maybe you are the happiest and healthiest that you have ever been – both are something to celebrate.

Some of the hard things that you made it through may inevitably carry through into 2024, however, I invite you to gently push those thoughts aside for now and ground into a moment of reflection.

Often as we go through our day to day routines we lose sight of all of the accomplishments that we have achieved, growth we have made, or our true reactions, thoughts, and feelings towards events or people that we have experienced. Sometimes it takes everything we have to just get through the day and we do not have the luxury to sit back and process. Alternatively, I think time also plays funny tricks on us. We blink and all of a sudden it’s 10 years later and we have no clue how we got there. 

I picture this phenomena as a child that we have watched grow since birth whose physical features do not necessarily drastically change on a daily basis, but yet, they somehow became the teenager that they are today.  We do not notice how they grew half an inch or how their hair slightly turned a shade darker. However, those inches add up and their hair continues to darken. These changes are minute, sometimes completely unnoticeable as they happen. 

However, when we take a second to step back and look at them, to really look at them, we realize just how much they have changed in a short amount of time. If we were to pull out a picture of them from years past, we would surely notice all of the changes that appeared unnoticeable on a daily basis, but that yet, must have been happening for the matured human to be standing in front of you as they are today. 

In theory, we obviously know that the change is happening. Logically we know that they will change from birth to adolescence, however, without meaningful reflection life’s changes can escape us. Changes do not happen all at once. They are a little here, a little there and due to that, their magnitude can appear diminished until we take that step back. 

This can be due in part to something called the difference threshold or just noticeable differences. Our brains do not register small differences as change until a certain threshold (amount or accumulation) of change has been achieved. We do not notice the growth of ¼ of an inch, however, one day those individual quarters will accumulate to an amount of height that is perceivable within our brains and we will notice the bigger change. (Think about a time when you didn’t notice the music turn off or change songs, or when the 15% coupon did not feel worth it but the 20% one did). 

At this point, you may be wondering how children, coupons, and music relate to processing of the events of the past year. To that I will say that YOU are the accumulation of all of the little (or big) changes and moments of growth that occurred throughout the year that maybe initially went unnoticed. Just because we don’t notice the change does not mean that it did not happen. You are not the same you that entered this year. 

With that said, I invite you to join me in two activities of reflection to bring to focus just how far you have come. Grab three pieces of paper, a pen or pencil, and colorful writing utensils if you have them. 

On one of the papers, draw, or list words that describe the dynamics that were present in your life at the beginning of 2023. Think back to the data pieces of that time: 

  • What were your finances like?
  • What were your measures of physical health like?
  • Who was or was not present in your life at the time?
  • What identities did you hold (partner, parent, student, athlete, employee, volunteer, etc.)?
  • What activities or communities were you engaged in?
  • What were your goals?

Include anything else that you can think of. Next, on the same piece of paper, repeat the same process, but instead draw or describe how the beginning of 2023 felt to you. Do any emotions stick out as being increasingly salient during this time?

Once you feel that you have captured as much of the beginning moments of 2023 as possible, repeat these steps on a second piece of paper, but instead for where you are ending 2023.

Once this portion is complete, bring your two pieces of paper side to side. What do you notice as being the same between the two? What do you notice as being different between the two? I like to highlight the words or drawings on my papers that are different to visually display the magnitude of change. 

The goal of this activity is not to necessarily have an extensive list of differences. It’s not a competition for who had the most. The goal is simply to highlight areas of your life that have changed over the past year and to reflect on them, to show yourself that you did make progress even if at times you questioned it.

Some years may be littered with highlights and some years may have 1 or 2. Both phases of life are needed as we would exhaust ourselves if we lived in a static state of constant and big change. Change needs to be paced and different phases of life will prioritize different areas of growth. We can’t do it all at once – you’re human, not superhuman – but we do need to be committed to be growing in something.

Focus in on the areas of change on these papers that are highlighted. How do these changes sit with you? Are they changes that you welcome or are they changes that bring twinges of sadness or regret? The energy we feel when thinking about, or engaging in, certain things is very telling regarding our true thoughts and emotions towards them. 

For the changes that you welcome – celebrate yourself! No matter if it is 1 or 20 highlights, you made progress in your life over the past year and that is something to be proud of. We often do not give ourselves enough credit for the things we go through and put up with on a daily basis. 

I encourage you to find a special way to reward yourself for everything you achieved in 2023. Did you quit that toxic and draining job? Go see that movie in theaters that you’ve been wanting to try. Did your health labs come back with better stats during this last doctor’s visit? Enjoy a nice long bubble bath. Have you continued to increase your boundary setting, resulting in more satisfying relationships and mental peace? Set aside time to go to dinner with a friend. No ifs, ands, or buts, YOU deserve to be celebrated. 

For the changes that bring somber reactions, I invite you to sit with those reactions. Experience your true emotions and allow yourself to process them. I cannot guarantee that this will be a comfortable step… in fact, I can almost guarantee that it won’t be… but it is a necessary step. For as long as your emotions are locked inside is for how long they will continue to have immense power over you. Start the journey of taking that power back. 

Now let’s take this part of the activity a step further. Look at the items on your papers that are or are not highlighted and reflect on the reasons why you feel certain goals were or were not met or why certain changes did or did not happen. Use these answers as your gameplan to both maintain the progress that you have made as well as to continue to increase your progress in the next year.

Next, please bring out your third piece of paper. On this piece of paper, draw or list what you want your 2024 to look and feel like. Envision the job you would like, the health of the relationships you hope to have, the physical or mental goals that you want to achieve, etc. The possibilities are endless, just make sure to keep them manageable and realistic. 

Once you finish drawing or listing your hopes for 2024 on your third piece of paper, bring it side by side with the piece of paper that you reflected on the end of your 2023 with. Next, please grab a different color writing utensil than you used previously. Use this colored writing utensil to highlight on your 3rd piece of paper (the one that depicts your ideal 2024) the differences it shows between itself and the paper that depicts the end of your 2023. 

The end of your 2023 is your current reality and your future 2024 is what could be. Anything that you have just highlighted on your third piece of paper are the ways in which your current reality is not supporting your ideal reality. Ooof. That can be a hard one to process.

While it is important to remember that some reasons that our current reality is not where we want it to be are out of our control (think systemic barriers, unavoidable illnesses, the economy, the actions of others that we cannot control, etc.) it is equally important to remember that there are reasons that are within our control as to why our life isn’t lining up quite in the ways we would hope. 

We are responsible for our healing and we are responsible for continuing to make choices that support our goals, well-being, and ambitions, even if they are hard.

Reminder: You can do hard things! For as long as we allow ourselves to live in a state of self-denial or limited self-awareness about the roles that we play in our own unhappiness, we will forever be stuck in them. I warned you that this was going to be a hard one to process 😉 

Lets return back to our pieces of paper. For the final step, please pick one final color of writing utensil and return your 3rd piece of paper (your ideal 2024). Circle all of the highlighted options that are not in your control (reminder: the highlights are the areas in which your current reality is not supporting your ideal reality). Please try your best to be honest with yourself about this! The ability to be honest with ourselves is one of the most important factors in reaching our goals. Anything that has not been circled is in your control and it is up to you to navigate how to make progress in that goal while honoring your capacities.

As you spend time reflecting on your answers from this activity I want to remind you that growth is messy and will never be perfect. You are going to make mistakes, fall flat on your face, and maybe even take some steps back. None of that matters as long as you Just. Keep. Moving. Forward. 

Little steps add up to big steps and setbacks can be overcome. It is also important to remember that grace is a paramount piece in navigating life’s ups and downs. No one is perfect so do yourself a favor right now and throw that expectation out the door. Stomp on it even just to really be sure that your brain got the message that you are not subscribing to unrealistic expectations in this upcoming year. Have empathy for yourself for where you have been and have drive and commitment for where you are going.

In the spirit of empathy for ourselves, I will transition us into our last activity. It is likely that upon this guided reflection, you encountered goals for 2023 that you did not meet. I want to encourage you to reframe any potential mindset that you may be having regarding the goals that you did not meet, into a mindset of grace. Our best is all we can do and it’s ok if our best looks different every single day. Some examples of this activity would be:

“I did not save as much money as I had hoped, but I was able to navigate that stressful and unexpected financial burden this year, and I am proud of myself for that.”

“I did not meet all of my health related benchmarks for the year, but I was able to consistently improve my overall nutrition and eating habits.”

“I did not get the promotion that I had hoped for, but I really improved this specific professional skill over the past year which will better prepare me for opportunities in the future.”

I invite you to write these phrases of grace down on a piece of paper and keep the paper somewhere handy, should you ever need it for when your brain is playing tricks on you and trying to convince you that these things are untrue. Putting sticky notes on a mirror with these phrases is another useful option!

A major critique of mindfulness or grace based activities is that they seem “too positive”. That they wear rose colored glasses. However, I challenge that with the notion that having grace for ourselves does not require us to lie to ourselves, but that instead, it recognizes that two truths can be true. That we are consistently works in progress and that we are making really great strides in our efforts and goals.

It is not impossible to hold two seemingly competing truths in our hand at the same time. In fact, I think after reflection, most would find that the two truths were never competing with each other in the first place. 

To end our time of reflection, I leave you with a parable:

A man and a horse were lost in a giant forest. The man starts to panic and says to the horse, “I have no clue how I will get out of this forest! There are too many trees, the end is too far, and I cannot see my way out.” The horse replied, “Can you see your next step forward?” The man nods and the horse continues, “That is all you need. One step will turn into two steps which will eventually turn into a mile, which will turn into two. You do not need to see the end to be able to get out of this forest. You just need to be able to see your next step forward.

I hope that these reflections provided you with pride and grace for yourself along with increased insight to be able to take your next steps forward into the 2024 that you both need and deserve. Never forget that you can do hard things.

Xoxo,

KC

P.S. Read below to hear about the most important take aways that others have gained from their 2023 experiences! Read even further to see some of my favorite recommendations of resources to help take control of your life and unlock your true happiness and well-being.

Reader Reflections

Question: What was the most important thing that you learned in 2023?

Answers

Anonymous: “The biggest lesson that I learned from 2023 is that protecting my own peace and setting boundaries are what will keep my own heart and mind calm.

Now there are different levels to this. I’m not just going to go around to any and every one letting my emotions run the show. However, I am going to tell you if you have done something to offend or hurt me. I hear so many people say, “But they are family, family is forever, just get over it,” or “Just don’t say anything, it’ll cause drama.” To me, this state of mind is not only toxic, but also disrespectful. If I stay quiet about how someone has acted/spoken to me in a way that I’m not ok with, whose peace am I protecting? It’s sure not mine.

If I chose to protect their peace instead of mine, I would just sit and fester, becoming bitter, and then they would get to scoot by unbothered, potentially repeating the same hurtful actions towards me in the future. So many people, myself included, have become accustomed to prioritizing someone else’s feelings at the cost of our own and I have learned not to do that anymore, in the times that it matters.

Its ok to have a conversation with someone about how they’ve wronged you and to set the boundaries of will happen if that behaviors doesn’t change. Maybe that means no more get togethers or certain topics are not up for discussion with them anymore (at least until they can respect your boundaries). If someone does not change their hurtful behavior towards you, then its a clear sign that they do not respect you or your feelings. While that really does hurt, it is important to stand your ground – your peace is more important.

Often times, the people who hurt us the most are the ones closest to us. Would you strike up a conversation with a stranger who was just rude to you for taking “their spot” in the parking lot at a store, or someone who is screaming at an employee over the price of a product? NO. You would distance yourself and not engage with that behavior. So why should those close to us, especially, those close to us be any different?

At the end of the day, this is your one and only life, so make it your best life.”

Anonymous: “For me, it would be really making an effort to embrace the slow times rather than looking for ways to fill it being “productive” Its so hard to do, and I’d bet its something I’ll have to work on for the rest of my life. But even taking the time to sit with a a cup of tea (or coffee, or even water!) has brought me just a little more peace.”

Anonymous: “The biggest takeaway for me this year is just to trust in life’s plan. It’s so hard to force yourself to believe that thing can work out but they will, and in ways that you never see coming!”

Anonymous: “2023 has been a lot of practice in trusting what people choose to say or not say to me. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to read people’s emotions and then taking things I read personally. I started having to say “If they told me it, I trust that they meant it,” or the opposite, “If they felt hurt or upset, I have to trust them to tell me,”. It’s hard but it’s been really important for my confidence and well-being.”

Anonymous: “My biggest takeaway from 2023 is that life doesn’t happen TO you, it happens FOR you. You realize that you are in full control of your actions and how you react and respond to situations and people. Of course you cannot control everything that happens to you in life, but you can do your best to respond in the healthiest way possible and let it guide your future actions. We are the centers of our own universe, and we can choose to let everything negative keep us down OR we can lead with grace and do our best to change what we want to change, and be who we want to be.”

Recommended Resources

  • The FREE Online Yale Course: The Science of Well-Being

  • Book: Year of Yes: How to Dance it out, Stand in the Sun, and Be Your Own Person by Shonda Rhimes

  • Book/Social Media: Dr. Nicole LePera (The.Holistic.Psychologist)